Denial and the million dollar question...have I stretched my stomach?

I am coming up to five years post sleeve, three years since I last saw my amazing surgeon.

Ongoing review was not necessary, as I was progressing well and there were no complications, though he did say to me that I can return at any time should I have issues or concerns.  Well, I've finally plucked up the courage (and at the insistence of my fellow sleeve friends) to make an appointment and talk about what is going on.

I know I have gained weight but I refuse to admit it to anyone, even my own family, even though they can clearly see I have gained weight.  Thing is, my clothes fit the same, albeit it slightly snug (depends what I'm wearing), plus I'm putting it down to muscle gain from the gym (yeah right!).  I have a feeling that I've put in between 5 and 10kg since my tummy tuck in 2014, with my weight on day of surgery being 73kg.  Every scale provides a different reading, even my ones at home (step on them three times, get three different readings).

So I finally made an appointment and will be seeing him this coming Wednesday 3/5.  The first stepping stone was getting a new referral from my GP and I was expecting to get the third degree from her....got nothing, no questions, no issues.  In all honesty, I do want to see if my stomach has stretched but again, I didn't want to admit that to her either.

Prior to seeing him, I was to have a barium swallow, which I had done yesterday.  As I work for my GP, I'll be able to see the result before I see my surgeon.  I got to see some of the images of the scan being performed due to the angle I was placed in.  Was weird watching a "live video" of my skeleton LOL.  Could actually see the barium going down my esophagus into my stomach.  Hopefully I can get a DVD of the images/video, if not, at least some screenshots when I see the surgeon.

Why am I so scared about going back?  Firstly, not only I have let myself and my family down, I also feel as though I'll be letting my surgeon down, in that I have failed to maintain my weight loss after everything I have gone through in getting the sleeve then having the tummy tuck and breast reduction/lift...a lot of money spent on three procedures which I don't want to see go down the drain.

I know I need to lose weight but I just can't get motivated.  Even my upcoming trip to Canada in five weeks time isn't enough to motivate me.